YAY

the heavenly view

the heavenly view

I’m not leaving new york and I have a new lease on life.  I have never used the phrase, “lease on life” before.  I can’t help but think it relates to a car commercial.

Anyway, I am one to give a lot of advice and often go off, expelling long monologues about a topic the subject is having trouble with.  I wouldn’t mind writing a self-help book, yet I think my stance on life is a little harder to swallow than most.  I don’t believe in marriage, I condone the slight use of drinking and/or drugs for mind expansion as opposed to the tyrannical prohibition of these things (which I think leads people to problems)…. I actually think I will end here with this.  I might be digging myself a 160 page blog hole.

Anyway, this is my advice:

see above

see above

When the going gets tough, forge through terrain that’s even more challenging than your challenges to test new waters.  Okay, for example, I was having a tough time in New York and was going to leave.  Instead, I threw out the things preventing me from changing… I tried to reinvent myself a bit.  I bit the bullet and gave NY a few more tries… it has a lot of opportunities, so I started applying to casting calls and started meeting new people and got into an art show and threw myself into the things that interested me, scared me, and overall would change me.  It worked.  It was a short short time, but I needed that stun to punch me and reawaken me.  I think this is completely vague, but I kind of took a step forward and step back.  I realized that I have been wearing clothing that doesn’t make me feel like a million sexy bucks.  I threw it away. I bought a few things that do make me feel like AMSB.  I submitted art to a show.  I put up a craigslist ad to be a personal chef.  I hung out with a new crowd….three times.  I put on airs.  I opened myself up a bit.  I’m smiling a lot more now.  I climbed out of the weird shell I was in.  I had been living in old skin and yet new skin was growing with force and pulsating inside of the old skin.  I came out (not gay, I came out of that bunker I was keeping myself in).  New York is a beautiful place.  It hardens you and gives you balls.  It opens your eyes to the sad sad dychotomies that exist in this world.  It’s raw and trying and unabashed about how screwed up a lot of us are.  It’s dirty and grimy, yet constantly trying to fix itself.  It tries hard.  It’s shallow and deep.  It’s creative and conservative.  It’s rich and poor.  Old and young.  Ugly and gorgeous.  Deep inside we are all of these things.  Some qualities fight and win over others, but we’re all lacking in some respects, ugly in others, hard-headed and open-minded…. When you push and pull your strings and threads, you move things around.  You shake and jolt and feel and unnerve and numb.  Try New York.  It does wonders for those who take it solidly by the hips and dance with it.  Get in it. You can’t stick to one restaurant all your life or one food for that matter.  If you run around and try the pate and the french fries and the Spam and the Champagne.  Try the two day old cold pizza and the street cart coffee.  Alligator meat and fast food hot dog.  Wedding cake, bake sale scone.  Love all of it. New York lets us do all of these things if we open ourselves to new people and places.  Don’t keep your mouth shut.  Scream at the top of your lungs.  Throw yourself into this world and see what happens.

Today as I was chasing Daisy, my stepdog around the pier overlooking the ocean and the Statue of Liberty and being beaten by the sun, and thereafter feeling around the washed up garbage for a stick to throw her, I was the happiest I’ve been in months.  I’m glowing.

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