Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Toni Basil, songstress of “Hey Mickey” had another hit, a much better hit in my mind. Her voice is strong, strained, desperate, and willful. 1966 was the year, the year for women and their beckoning and moaning for long-lost, unrequited, or adulterated love in all of it’s poor self-effacing and sadly sexist glory.

“Hey! I’m 28/It’s getting late/What have I got to do?/My time is going/My fears are growing/My chances now are few/ Lacquers lotions sprays and potion/ scented unscent /mild and pungent/ lipstick shadow pancake for the eyes/ It’s all been advertized but it’s getting me nowhere./ Hey! I’m 28/It’s getting late/What have I got to do?/My time is going/My fears are growing/My chances now are few. / Dress revealing/ Sex appealing fur and feather suede and leather/ Ah naughty haughty sure to glamorize/ It’s all been advertized/ But its getting me nowhere/ It’s nice to be respectable/ Sainty sweet and fair/ But i dont want to finish off alone in a rocking chair/ Hey! I’m 28/It’s getting late/What have I got to do?/My time is going/My fears are growing/My chances now are few.”

Oh ladies. She’s been sexin it up and still no sugar. What should she do?

Monday, June 2, 2008

I must mention our friend, John Ryan Pike, who passed away a year ago today. You and your family are in my head every day, mister. http://www.sticksman.org. Please donate to this wonderful cause.

He was the drummer to super popular Ra Ra Riot, a musical band currently wreaking havoc in the minds and hearts of many. It is also a band who belongs to two of my three old boyfriends in the world. John, you rocked my socks and everyone misses you and will forever.

This man is very special to many many many. Here’s a repost from my blog about John from a year ago because I think it speaks the truth about how I feel about him and how everyone else does too. …

Birth & It’s Opposite * Jun 11, 2007

This is my first Dear John letter.

Dear John,

Did I know that when I met you five years ago, up on the idiotically deemed ‘Mount Olympus’ in Syracuse, that you would later change my life? Did I know how much you would alter those of others? Did you know that you would one day bring together a group of people drunk with love for you, for each other?

You took me apart when I heard of your passing. You took my arms, legs, neck, and ears and disassembled them, they weren’t working. With strong and confident fingers, you transferred them into a basket and began to think. With your head in your hands on your big oak desk, you stared at my pieces and shook your head in uncertainty… trying to ascertain what to do, how to change this poorly built human.

The pieces were certainly ill-fitting, the mood grew concentrative…

As hours and days when on, you fumbled with my pieces, trying to put me together like a puzzle that had been marred, arranged incorrectly. These parts thought separately for a time…. they didn’t know how to refit themselves either; and even contemplated taking a break from one another to work on themselves, test out their motions and capabilities.

As days inched by, you took my most ill-fitting components and softened the hard edges. You worked around their dappled corners and sanded them back to their soft, smooth, and unadulterated beginnings. You added a bandage when needed, and as hours turned to days, you laid me out in the sun in my reborn form. This new form had forgotten its “problems”, misaligns, and quirks. It had departed from a shape that had allowed itself to be angry, untrusting, and without hope. You, you were the sculptor to my changed heart. Love for others returned, while doubt and ill will towards those who “wronged” slinked away like a shadow. You blew away the dust you had created and I grew warm.

With a new known future trajectory for a life rich in friends and moments celebrated in ways I had forgotten how to do, I grew warm. I am warm. I swear. I love.

You added touches of acceptance and humor. You told me to hold onto my friends and family more closely. to take more photos. work harder to collaborate. you taught me to make my family stronger and know each other better.

—————————————————

Losing a friend is something I had never encountered before.
Last Sunday I received word that John Pike had passed away. Being the best friend of good friends, as well as a buddy throughout my college career, I was dumbfounded. John was one of those people who accepted everyone, whom everyone liked, who everyone wanted to be friends with. He is someone who led Clint to come back from summer vacation proclaiming “God, this summer John beat us all at music, he can play anything”.

“John is dead”, I thought over and over throughout the course of that day, and onward to today, days and days later.
Sick with grief, my friends gathered together to talk about the events that lead to it all. We cried. These friends are friends I hadn’t seen in weeks or even months. We gathered to mourn and support each other. I tried contacting as many friends as I could to inform them of what had happened, everyone needed to know. I couldn’t sleep, nor eat knowing what his family, girlfriend and closest friends were going through. I was terrified to speak to them.

I got into my seat in Emily’s car. We were going. En route. A shitty diner. A few complaints about the song choices I had made available on my ipod, but then a group settlement on Bush’s Sixteen Stone.

I grew nervous. The laughter that had begun at the inception of the journey grew to complacent silence with a cough or finger fumble in between. We were getting closer. We dressed into our respective outfits in the hotel room. We got back into the car. Stomach, unsettled.

The wake was incredible. There were people filling the entire building, as well as a steady, solid line down the steps, around the wooden siding and back towards Salem.

We waited. …

We were ready, yet apprehensive…. We looked around to see if you were in line with us, glancing over both shoulders. We didn’t believe this. How could we?

Through watery eyes, C told me that he wished he had been in the same community as his friends, namely John, and made music. He seemed angry that he had let time pass alone, neglecting to use the short time John had left, unbeknownst to everyone.

the interim between learning of John’s death and going to the services was the most mellow time in my life in several years. I felt as though i had taken a sedative. my mind and body moved more slowly and with patience. i had the ability to think things through, as opposed to the sagacious, yet fast-moving, insatiable, and restless person I had been for the past 3 years. I wanted results. NOW. i went to work, thought about my own clothing business while on the way to work, drew and wrote, got to work, nine hours passed, went out to buy fabric or what have you, went home, sewed, worked on my website, hung oout with friends, but couldnt relax. i wanted to keep my momentum and keep moving without notice of what was up or down, left or right, or right under my nose. i was searching for happiness and masochistically mourning doing everything alone. i turned to people constantly, but it was often for a slight departure from work. i was quick to make a joke, yet also quick to judge or make negative assumptions.

i was on speed. ,,, until this aforementioned interim. i’m sick of saying “i”. this sounds like its all about me, which I think it relative to being a human being, yet in context, its about all of you. i wasnt spending too much time writing emails to friends, nor making presents for them every so often. i thought about it, but deemed it too time-consuming. i guess ii had the new york curse. going going going, until you’re gone. i want my friends back. i want a community. this isnt to say that i dont see people. i dont know what i am saying. all i know is that i wasnt happy. this shouldnt be so fucking selfish. i dont mean it to be. im trying to reason and rationalize. i am confused. this is turning into a free write, which i am glad about because i tend to edit based on how i think people will judge me. i swear i wont edit again. i love my friends, past and present. i love my friends, future. i do know that i dont want this change to be temporary., no more apathy. this is permanent and/or long term. this “change” will become norm. to put this change to words woudl be….

This past weekend changed my life. Impossible to put to words, all I can really dictate now is that I cannot honor you with enough words, I cannot praise your family with sufficiency. I can’t.

you reminded me that it is about the moments.

I realized that through John’s passing, people came together. Friends who hadn’t looked each other in the face in a year and a half due to conflict were hugging and chatting. People who had harbored admiration for other others were proclaiming it. Arms that had never met the shoulders of a peer were doing just that. People were pouring their hearts out to one another. People were praising John. Poeple were spilling out of the church out into the misty day. This was the saddest I have been in years, and yet I had more love for humanity, and people who weeks prior I had attested to never being heard from again.

People die every second and yet I know that i don’t take notice, until it’s someone in or around my life.

I’m sick of complaining, of getting angry at people walking slowly up the subway steps or at my boss for his removal from middleclass reality; and of exerting passion towards thinking and acting on things that don;t matter. I want to live a life that matters and surround myself with people who matter. John mattered.

to be continued…..

—————

A year later and all I can say is unrest is still present. Death can never be settling. Everyone’s in my heart. Every day.

Friday, May 30, 2008

I just want a lover like any other
What do I get
I only want a friend who will stay to the end
What do I get

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

Im in distress I need a caress
What do I get
Im not on the make I just need a break
What do I get

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish theyd only happen to me instead

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

[solo]

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

I only get sleepless nights
Alone here in my half-empty bed
For you things seem to turn out right
I wish theyd only happen to me instead

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

I just want a lover like any other
What do I get
I only want a friend who will love to the end
What do I get

What do I get
Oh oh what do I get
What do I get
Oh oh what do I get

Well let me tell you now
I get no love
I get no sleep at nights
I get nothing thats nice
I get nothing at all
At all,at all,at all
At all,at all,at all
Cos I dont get you

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